Him....

I met Him.... Him... hmmmmm I never thot I would meet a singular man that embodied all the physical attributes that I have ever desired in a man.... and great personality and character to go with it... I met Him and He has eyes for only me....

He is everything I ever fantasized about... you know how you have that description of your 'dream' partner... tall.. handsome.. nice build.. great walk.. domineering presence.. a head turner.. big strong arms to hold me up when I'm down.. commander of speech.. begins to speak...and ppl stop to listen.. quiet and thotful.. down to earth.. great sense of humor.. knows when to say I am sorry... caring.. able to fall in love... laffs at my jokes (well some of them lol)... compliments me.. and complements me...

I look at him... i think of him.. and I feel like I've found my other half... so comfortable around him.. I dont need to pretend.. can be myself.. goofy and all :-) .... Is it possible... could Crystalbel really be at her last 'bus stop'???? lol...

Gosh my heart's beating fast at the very thot of that... is dis the independent, singlehood loving part of myself rearing its ugly head?? Now all the doubts are arising.. havent u heard of 'too good to be true??? heavent u been hurt more times than you can count???? why will this time be different??? Oh gosh... all these what ifs and whys and questions.... driving me nuts!!!!

Just Enjoy the moment... take one day at a time.. see where and how it goes.... make it work if you can.. that's my answer to all these questions cos i really dont know the answers to them... but we'll see... Wish me luck!!!! (fingers crossed!! oh and toes too :-D )

I was bored at work and I stumbled upon a blog.. dunno wot made me go there but I did... and this blog was dedicated to men and women, boys and girls from Nigeria that had experienced sexual abuse as children and the effects it had on them even in their latter years.... needless to say that the stories I read hit really close to home for me.. I saw myself in alot of the women that had the courage to stand up and share their storeis... to break the unspoken code of silence that dominates Nigerian sexual abuse victims... I read the stories of men abused by aunties and house maids and cousins and friends as early as 6 years old... women gang raped, date raped, raped by fathers, uncles, step fathers, drivers, cousins, friends, strangers (im crying again.. i need to stop) repeatedly.... over and over and over again... while their parents looked the other way... you are left broken and damaged... never loving yourself or your body... never desiring all that a real loving relationship could give... always ending up in the hands of losers and users... giving yourself and your body off in exchange for nothing.. feeling worthless... feeling unworthy of the good things of life... including being loved for who you are... yes these are the rocky feelings and states of mind that an abused individual has to deal with... but some of us, some of us have perfected the art of hiding the pain, of pretending.. of blocking it away.. and conveniently forgetting... of giving off an attitude of 'oh look at me... im just alrite... everything is perfect... the roses are red and the skies are blue' meanwhile you are dying inside.. praying for night to come.. so you can crawl into yourself... the one person that knows you for who you truly are... and the only other person, unknown to you, that loves you just as you are... Reading this woman's blog... took me down memory lane... memories that I hate to dredge up.. memories that I liked to believe would illicit no emotional response from me if I was ever confronted with them again... but this blog proved how wrong I was... I am still sensational about my experiences... Now I donot blive anyone ever really forgets it.. you can deal with it and move on from it... but you will not forget it... it will haunt you and torment you until you decide NO MORE!! You can decide to take control of ur destiny and to be free from the torment of your abusers.... its a long journey I tell you...a long one of self rediscovery... to make up for a childhood that never was becos some peodophile could not keep his dick in his pants... but through the Grace of God you come out... with the wounds healing... slowly but surely... I know that one day I will be whole..... I know... and till that day comes... I will keep pushing.. and fighting.... thank you confused naija girl... for reminding me that I am not alone.... and for reinforcing my hope once again.... Thank you...

dont have a title

Hmmmm....im sitting at my desk at work... my mind wandering.. and im pondering on the things that i have to do today, tomorrow.. this weekend... and my mind travels to the book that I happen to be reading right now.. 'confessions of a video vixen' .... to say the least it is a very interesting book.. the things i had heard about the book were quite negative and cast a bad light on the authoress.. lol.. (i like dat word) lol.. well, i casually picked it up a couple of days ago and i havent put it down since then... I mean, i thot i had had it rough and tough but this chick had been to hell and back and im only in the second chapter of the book.. and im thinking to myself.. OMG!!!!! how does one human being endure all of these things from such a tender age and still be alive... and then im reminded of the grace of God.. I mean i look back at my life and where i am coming from and everyday I know that all of the props goes to God.. cos if He hadnt been watching my back (even wen i paid Him no mind) I dont think I would be who/where i am today.. wont even be close....
You know.. im thinking about it.. and its like so easy for us to go through each day without realising that we move, breathe, walk, talk, EVERYTHING simply by the Grace of God not because we've earned it.. Hell No! but because He loves us UNCONDITIONALLY... and dat fact is easily forgotten each day as we go through the motions of life and try to get thru the day, week, month, year ... a continuous vicious cycle called life... i dunno why im in this mood today.. maybe that book sobered me up.. made me appreciate my life's experiences and helped me thank God some more for delivering me from the bondage of those experiences.. becos a lot of ppl believe that our lives are shaped by the events that take place in our lives... but i realise that i have refuse to let those events limit me or hinder me from doing all that i want to do or exploring my greatest potentials as an individual.. or having fulfilling relationships, or sleeping with the light off (because i am afraid of the dark for one reason or the other), or driving on the highway, or being in a committed relationship, or speaking in public, packing up and moving to a new state/country (im terrified of change but im willing to try.. MD here i come by God's grace!!) Afraid to look into the eyes of the man who molested you, to stay within proximity of him, afraid to love yourself or your body... the list is endless.. these are as a result of being held captive by events that took place in our lives.. BUT I refuse to fall victim to it any longer.. I have come to terms with the fact that I am human and I am not perfect.. i totally embrace this kowledge and i am not afraid of it, I know that I will make mistakes.. even the stupidest and most obvious ones.. like d'uh.. lol.. But i also vow to pick myself up after each mistake/bad experience, dust myself off and pick up where i left off... i refuse to be deterred by the things that happened/happen to me... i vow to learn from every experience both old and new... take one good thing out of each one.... and apply it to my life now.. to make me a better christian, daughter, sister, life partner, friend, colleague, student, and most importantly a better person... So I challenge you all... to do same... accept ur mistakes, ur weaknesses and ur faults, learn from them and move on to greater things in your life... God help us all...

Random Thots...

Hmmmmm.. so i think I'm in love.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sorry couldnt help myself.. in love? wots dat? is dat the name of an island... somewhere off the coast of the bahamas?? lol.. hahahahahaa.. I'm so silly... and no I am not anti love oh.. I am all for being in love and all that mushy love stuff but... yeah..it seems to be eluding me as for right now.. and i am not exactly chasing after it either :-D... selfish remember.. lol.. anyways I have been having all these random thots going thru my head.. obviously sparked from reading stuff or discussing with friends and listening to the people on tv... so wot the hell is wrong with the University Academic system in Nigeria???? Like is it really a hopeless situation or are people just too freaking non chalant about it... slanting buildings about to collapse any minute... insuffficient chairs in class room ppl end up sitting on the floor to learn (including pregnant women!!!), Inconsiderate, unequipped, extremely daft, very slow, outdated professors who do not make it to class, do not take time out to give a proper lecture.. but at the end of the month stretch out their hands for salary... like is there nothing wrong with this picture abi am i just hallucinating here? Lets move from the academic aspect to the freaking administrative side of the schools.. HOPELESS!! No customer service attitude, no clue about their job descriptions.. just dumb, daft people who sit at their desks with their brains switched to neutral!!.. why the hell did the government not just privatize the state universities instead of giving licenses to private organizations.. like where the hell is the minister of education anyways... thats a hands on job not a freaking 'sit in my oversized office at my oversized desk' and dole out orders!!! like really?? smart way to handle a bunch of lazy, looking for an easy buck group of people.. u have to show ur face and let em know that you mean business... First of all you have to come up with a strategy to rescucitate the state universities cos right now they are ALL dead!!!! Not just the infrastructure but the actual curriculum is outdated and unacceptable... aaaarrrggghhhhh... can people begin to use their God given right to THINK!!!! ..... ok so i had to let it out.. im going to sit down and think really hard about this.. there has to be a solution.. and I believe that anything is possible for those who believe and have faith... I have faith... and i believe... there has to be a way... there just has to be..

P.S This came to me while I was reading a friend's blog, and she talked about a student in Unilag who shot himself because he was frustrated with the school system and a particular supervisor who had prevented him from graduating for THREE WHOLE YEARS!!! thats enuff to drive anybody off the deep end... so he killed himself just like dat.. and that supervisor still got paid his monthly salary.. like dat... something has to be done.. no NEEDS to be done... that boy's life story is the story of millions of students all over Nigeria... spending 8 to 10 years in school for a 4 yr course... like WHY??????? WHY???????.... im done...

Work shenninigans... lol

one of our patients called jus now..
looking for a pescription for plan b rite..
so i tell her dat we cant give her a pescription for it cos its no longer a pescription drug
its an over the counter drug
so she starts screaming 'oh my God'
Oh my God
so im like is she ok... she asks me how much it is
and i said it was like 45 to 50 bucks
lol
She starts screaming even louder
Oh my God
Oh my God
so funny
steer clear from unprotected sex!!!! lol!!
trust me I KNOW!!!!
lol

ok like watthehellmen
like it seems like most of these students went on a smoking and drinking spree thruout the long weekend
and den woke up dis morning and forgot to showerr OR brush
as in GODDAMN!!!!
One just came in now..
errmmm can i make an appt?
sure u can
wots d matter
(mind u he looks like crap and smells like shit)
ermmm i think i have a cold..
and a bad headache (hmmm go figure... its a freaking hangover!!!)
lol
I smile and say.. sure u can have an appt.. how about at 2:30
more like how about a shower
and maybe the sound of a toothbrush hitting ur teeth!
lol
ok i need to stop
jeez!
LOL

Guys, Men, Dudes

Ok, so wots this thing about me only attracting guys that are either married, about to be married or alreay in relationships. Like seriously... is it written on my forhead that I am not trying to get married... EVER... lol.. ok take Mr A for example, he is in a 2 yr relationship, he claims that he loves his girlfriend but then he really loves me too.. im so this and i'm so that.. so will he leave his girlfriend.. errrr nah... he doesnt know if that's the right thing for him too do yet..as in how will the poor girl feel.. like BOO HOOOO.. who cares! do I want him to leave his girlfriend?? HELL FREAKING NO!! cos wot he is doing unto her with me so shall he do unto me with someone else.. my father paid alot of money for me to go to school oh!! i no be mugu!! lol Now here's Mr B... he has been dating his girlfriend for like a year now, mind you, Mr B is at the 'ripe' age for a marriage type of relationship.. so he's toasting me, being all nice and caring and all that... and never discusses his girlfriend.. always puts her in the shadows like she doesnt exist...OKKKK...Mr C... hmmmmm doesnt know if he's in a relationship or not... but there's a complication there... that involves a possible chick.. but we flirt and we seem to like each other..cool cool... but All these men coming at me at the same time oh!!! Mr D... well to be honest.. i dunno if Mr D has a girlfriend/wife and kids/ complicated chick story or sth... he says he's single... but I am so paranoid that i'm afraid he probably has a family stacked away somewhere and he's pretending.. as in how can only me.. 3 men with ties to other chicks!! God help me oh.. i love my independence but i want to marry too oh!!!!!

MARRIAGE CRAZE!!

Ok so it seems that the new fad in town is getting married... even 15 year olds wanna get married and start a family.. I went home (Nigeria) for christmas and EVERYBODY was either getting married, getting engaged or couldnt stop talking about when it would be their turn in this lifetime.. I sat there wondering what the hell was wrong with me!! Why didnt I feel the pressure or the need to even be in a relationship not to talk of marriage.. MARRIAGE KE??!! the thought alone send shivers down my spine.. lol.. (if my aunties heard this they would send me for deliverance) talking of deliverance, one of my very good friends (Pretty, intelligent, extremely driven, God fearing and smart!) was gisting me of how her mother sent her for deliverance and placed her on a 21 day fast just so that she would find a husband.. soon.. LOL like watthehellmen!!! r u for real!! (I dont blame her mum tho.. with all those qualities.. hmmm i will marry her to my brother quick quick lol) but sadly, that's the reality of the society we live in.. Anyways, so i'm sitting in my room, after going through a series of sermons from my uncles and aunties aboout what was next for me, considering the fact that I had graduated from university and i was 'ripe' for marriage (at age 22)... thankfully my parents do not share such views AT ALL!!! (HALLELUJAH!!) LOL... but bcos of how preoccupied everyone else was about it.. i began to feel like there was something wrong with me.. I wasnt even interested in meeting the potential Mr. Right.. So as I pondered on these things... IT HIT ME!!!

I enjoyed being SELFISH!!! lol.. I enjoyed doing things my own way, i could sleep over anywhere I wanted, eat anywhere/anything I wanted, buy whatever I wanted, wear whatever I wanted, wasnt obligated to call anybody 10 times a day morning, afternoon and night, I could basically do ANYHTING i wanted without explaining, justifying, asking permission first... I could just do ME!!! I was now addicted to my independence... A life that was centered around CRYSTALBEL...So as this realisation dawned on me... a smile spread across my face cos then I knew I wasnt crazy I just enjoyed paying attention to Crystalbel for the first time in a long time...

Phew that felt good.. I think I will do this more often.. thanks Scomiss for giving me a way out..

WOW!! DING DING!!!

Ok so when I started out with this blogging thing, I thot I needed to be all poetic and stuff... u know, finding words that rhymed together and all that..so i tried.. i really did.. lol.. but i think it sucked.. well maybe except the last 2 or 3 because they were straight from my heart and past experiences.. lol.. anyways i came across my friend's blog and after i read all 20 of the posts, i figured out why blogging was essential.. it definitely created an avenue for release.. you can say whatever is on your mind.. whatever's weighing you down.. you just get it out there and feel better.. so i decided to change my blogging style... from now on. strictly from the heart.. unedited and uncensored.. :-)

Here it goes!!! Wish me luck..