how I feel....

Your smile, your lips... your laughter.
They drew me to you closer..
The more I discovered of you,
The more I knew what I had to do
Your drive, your intelligence, your mentality..
they caused my insanity....
the more I became into you...
the more I felt a love so true...
many nights I wondered, staring at my ceiling, if this could be real
that finally, I had found the one that fits into my picture of love endlessly...
the beat that my heart would drum to, that gave me a certain thrill....
Now it seems like a distant dream....
faded into reality....
My love, so real and so true...
has brought me so much gloom
You were my everything, the sunshine through my night..
I loved you... love you....still want you.....
It's been so long now... but it feels like it was yesternight....
I have tried to undo all that was done...
But my heart cries for the rhythm that was once you...

what does that mean?
Am I capable of being that way?
will I ever get there?
Am I damaged beyond repair?
Can I be that person you want me to be?
that person I used to be....
Loving, trustworthy, caring, submissive, trusting....
Is there hope for me?
Or was hope snatched away with my innocence?
........tbc...

The next time.....

I'm filled with so much glee...
I'm surrounded by those I love
Especially the one I look up to so much...
the one who inspires me...
the one who means so much to me...
the one who.....wait a minute...
don't do that!!
STOP IT!!!! I'm gonna scream!!
I mean it!!!
No No No No.......
Don't make me do that....Pls
I don't want to do this.....
Pls don't make me...pls..I beg you..

The one that I once looked up to so much...
the one who once inspired me....
the one who once meant so much to me....
the one who is dead to me....

The first time.......

It feels strange....
I don't know if this is right....
If it is, then why does it feel so wrong....
This isn't how I dreamed it would be
This isn't where I dreamed it would be..
Is this a dream...or reality?
Is it okay for me to be silent?
I want to please....is this what it takes....
ouch...that hurt.....
is it supposed to?
why does my heart feel so heavy?
why do i feel so low?
why do i feel so betrayed?
say something please.....dont be so quiet....
I need you to say something...anything...
did I do good? Please say something..
now I feel used....and dirty.....
I should have willed harder.....maybe
just maybe...it wouldn't have happened...